Boviosity!

By Tad Wexler

Dear Amy,

This letter is very difficult for me to write. Not as difficult as slaying an acid-vomiting, triply non-decapitable lizard monster, of course, but very difficult nevertheless. You are a wonderful girl, cute and funny and charming, and any guy would dream of earning your admiration, gratitude, trust, and, eventually, love. That I earned all these things and more in a few moments of horror-stricken battle, mired in the spilled guts of our friends at Lake Winnesku, only enhances the poignancy of leaving them all behind. But leave them behind I must. I have been living a lie ever since the day Szczrezloth & I grappled for our lives, and I cannot stand it any more.

I will never forget our tearful embrace after that bloodstained encounter, and I confess that right at that moment I thought that we would be together forever. I also confess that I had gone to Lake Winnesku with the full intention of winning your love. I was jealous of that stupid jock Brad, and hoped you would see that you were too good for him. However, it’s important to me that you know that seeing most of his flesh melted by acid, and then watching him eaten alive, still screaming for help, while you looked on, was completely beyond the scope of any plan I had for winning you.

This brings me, inevitably, to the day before that, when Brad attacked me at the swimming hole. Amy, that was the true me: perched pathetically on the bank, my swimsuit waistband pulled up around my armpits, afraid to jump, afraid to turn around. That is the image I keep coming back to, and the shame of it is seared on my memory – well, not literally seared, we all know what that’s like - but I still haven’t been able to erase it. If I had attacked Brad with an improvised napalm hose and pitchfork, such as I used on Szczrezloth, then our story would have ended quite differently: I would be in prison, Brad would still be dead (I suppose), but maybe without Brad’s belligerent honking nasal voice, the lizard-giant might have remained dormant; some of our friends would still be alive, and I would at least still feel like I was man enough for you.

So this is goodbye. I am sad that I will never again feel your kiss, your warm embrace, your soft skin next to mine. But it’s what I need to do right now. Of course, if you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, or especially if you ever again need rescuing from a raging lizard beast from beyond the final dimension of Hell, give me a call. I will always be there for you.

Love, Tad