Boviosity!

Do you know who I am?

ONE of the surest ways to get the phones ringing on any Massachusetts talk-radio show is to ask people to call in and tell their John Kerry stories. The phone lines are soon filled, and most of the stories have a common theme: our junior senator pulling rank on one of his constituents, breaking in line, demanding to pay less (or nothing) or ducking out before the bill arrives.

The tales often have one other common thread. Most end with Sen. Kerry inquiring of the lesser mortal: "Do you know who I am?"

This is going to be a big minus for Kerry in the campaign, if it's played right. Unfortunately, the Republicans just are too hamfisted to use it to its best effect. I think it's hilarious, personally. Not for nothing has the baseless "was Bush AWOL?" smear had such a long shelf life. You can bet that, questions of media bias aside, the Republicans would have never been able to keep it alive for so long.

But back to Sen. Kerry. Now even Dave Barry gets into the act:

[...]Sen. Kerry used one of his lackeys to flagrantly barge in line ahead of us and everybody else, as if he had some urgent senatorial need for a snowboard, like there was about to be an emergency meeting, out on the slopes[...]

Boviosity is here to help. There is a proper and an improper way to deal with line bargers. Handled improperly, it can be a dangerous and violent confrontation - after all, those who barge into lines have already demonstrated astonishing rudeness. Why should you expect them to back down when that's pointed out to them?

Now, some of you may have no problem with that. I'm a big guy, myself, and so I'm usually not afraid of being attacked in a public place. So, "Hey, buddy, there's a line here" accompanied by a significant glare can usually do the trick.

However, the wife is usually there to remind me, "He might have a gun!" and that takes all the fun out of it. So I use a little trick I learned from Dear Abby.

When you're in a line and somebody barges in front of you, simply turn around and look at the people behind you and catch as many of their eyes as possible in a friendly manner. Then, in a loud, friendly voice, say to the line-breaker, "Excuse me. I, personally don't mind you breaking in line...[here you need to make a broad sweeping gesture to the other people in line and slow down for emphasis]...as long as it's ok with all these people back here."

The people whose eyes you've caught will usually take up the call for the person to move. Problem solved. I've never had a problem with this method.

Of course, that doesn't stop my wife from screaming, "He may have a gun!" That aside, I'll just say that it's worked like a charm on several occasions. So if you ever see John Kerry or one of his aides, try it!