Boviosity!

Hello, and welcome to Hell Is Other Diners, a new feature here at Boviosity.

Jean-Paul Sartre famously said that, "Hell is other people." Well, I'm not that French, but I will say that I would hate to be stuck in a restaurant with some of the food writers I read. I love to eat (look at the picture if you doubt that) and I love to read. So food writing would seem to be a natural fit for me. But I can't tell you how frequently my stomach is turned by the food writing I read.

I admit, even though I love to eat, I'm not a "foodie" and, thank heavens, I don't have "foodie friends." A lone foodie in a restaurant is fine, I suppose - probably not all that easy to recognize. But get a bunch of them together, and you have a bunch of folks cooing, gasping, nodding, laughing too loud, and shoving food into each others' mouths. Don't believe me? Keep reading this feature and you will.

I actually think there's a difference between being a foodie and being a foodie friend. One can say, "I enjoy trying new things, and I have an adventurous palate." But "foodie friends" conjures the above images, with, possibly, surreptitious (or blatant) licking of plates. Eccch. (I once attended a restaurant recommended by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's John Kessler, a notorious foodie friend. I made it a point to ask my waitress for dishes not licked by John Kessler or anybody else, if it was at all possible.)

So, without further ado, let's look at the Hell that is other diners for today!

I'm going to start with a little bit of a cheat. This is the headline that gave me the idea for this column. Although the writer seems to advocate doing this in the privacy of one's own home, it's rude and icky enough to start with. First of all, I must warn you: don't click on this link if you have a weak stomach.

It's an article about fresh garden tomatoes, and the headline is:

Fruit fresh off the vine produces dribble-down-the chin bliss

All together now: EEEEWWW!!!

I'm glad that the web page features the author photo. I'm sure she's a nice enough looking young lady, but did I really need an actual picture of the mouth from which the tomato flesh is gushing, and the chin down which it is dribbling? Shouldn't the headline be, "Eat tomato sandwiches slowly, lest you wind up looking like a barbarian?" You're PROUD of your inability to control your bodily functions? This is bliss?

If you're, say, 2 years old, I suppose it is.

Oh, and in case you're thinking, "Aaaww, that's just a headline-writer's bad idea of a compelling teaser," I give you this, from the actual story:

All it takes is one bite of a fresh, fleshy, misshapen orb with so much extra flavor it goes dribbling down your chin to get Martha Woods' point. It's simply a matter of good taste.

It certainly is, Reagan. It certainly is.

UPDATE: The paper had a fire drill this morning, and I saw Reagan in person. She really is a lovely person. It's unfortunate that I couldn't help but envision her with tomato guts dribbling down her chin. Cursed food-writer style!